Costa Rica is a beautiful country. It is lush and green and colourful, filled with volcanoes and beaches and forests, and boasting a climate that is just about perfect. Over my few months here I have travelled to the Pacific Ocean several times, visited waterfalls, hiked remote mountains and valleys, enjoyed delightful meals at friends’ houses in the central valley and ventured into San José for some culture.
But I’m still unsettled.
Of course, that's what this year is about. To shake things up, to do things that don’t work. But it’s all coming down to purpose. I have none, in the bigger sense. This isn’t a geographical issue, I realise. Nor is it from a lack of support from my great friends here. This is an internal situation that was present in London but seems exacerbated here with the lack of meaningful opportunities. I either can’t find them or I’m too reticent (read awkward) to follow up on some of the vague suggestions I receive.
I’m not sure I prepared myself for arriving here in the same way that I did for Montreal, or at least I haven’t been able to find the same sort of community engagement here as I did there. Maybe it's a language issue or an over-reliance on friends. I had far fewer in Montreal.
I was 30 when I moved to Costa Rica, newly-married with no children. An adult but still pliable, and life was about discovery. Another language? Absolutely. A new culture? How exciting. Bars on all the windows? Frogs in the shower? Traffic mayhem? Just part of the adventure. Life was filled with a wonder similar to that of childhood, and the learning curve was just as steep and stimulating.
Fast forward 30 years and here I am again. Perhaps not quite as physically pliable (in spite of my increasing running mileage) but I’m emotionally stronger, more aware, my opinions have better sources. I have steadfast values and there are certain lifestyle choices that are important to me. In other words, I am a wiser, more experienced person.
So I’m not sure why I am perplexed to find myself struggling here. I can’t return to that idyllic life I once enjoyed here. I never expected to. Everything has changed, including the country, but more importantly I am not the person that I was back in the 90s.
My four years in Escazú (out of the almost full decade we lived here) were some of my happiest, and came from a lovely arrangement of family, friends, dogs, work and activities. That's all changed now. The girls are independent, I have no husband, my work in the wine world has finished. I don’t even have a dog anymore. I do still have friends, of course, fabulous ones, and I can come up with adventures without too much effort. But it’s not enough, I’m not satisfied. I have been told that I am quite hard on myself, which may be, but I’m still determined to find work or projects or opportunities that invigorate me.
With this constant questioning and pondering going on, I was excited to hear about a retreat in Baja California that focuses on “reframing retirement”. It’s all about thriving in the next phase of life (now that we’re all living so long, dios quiere), and relates so succinctly with my decision to do this year of self-exploration that it felt tailor-made for me. I've signed up. It’s a week in later March, and fortuitously engulfs my birthday.
The preparatory work is thought-provoking, and one thing that came up is the idea of switching the word ‘purpose' from being a noun, an object to pursue and obtain, to a verb, so that it becomes a lifestyle. I want to live a more authentic, engaged, creative and passionate life. Honestly, who wouldn’t? So I am looking forward to the exploration.
Do any of you know the story of Miss Rumpius? It's a book I read to the girls all those years ago. We called her the Lupin Lady. Her grandfather, a clockmaker and painter, tells her that the third thing she must do, after traveling the world and living by the sea (both things that I have done), is to do something to make the world more beautiful. That, I feel, is what I’m looking to do. And it can be done in many ways through engagement, enrichment, volunteering, supporting people, being present when with others. These are activities that can make the world more beautiful and lead to a more meaningful life.
There's something about this post - I don't think you've actually written it, it's a feeling your post gives me - that makes me think of the idea, the notion, the sense that home is inside, not a visible place but a present space. And then your PS to it, above, seems to say that too, among friends. Does that make any kind of sense?
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